Changes

So everything seemed to be going well with me and my girl named Laura after I exited the Navy and that is where I had found her. I though me and her where soul mates when I meet her and she had just gotten out of a messy relationship with a man. I moved from my hometown down to hers to be with her. I looked for a job other then with the state institution aka prison and in the end had to get a job with the prison. I went through all the training and then she started beauty school and everything seemed alright. But in the end after 8 months I was too much of a boy and gentlemen then a country hick and man for her. So we broke it off and I introduced her to a work buddy of mine and now she is with them and is happy. And I am happy for the both of them. My work friend told me to try dating again and try an online site. I did and meet a wonderful girl named Jazmine. Me and her have been dating for 4 days and everything just clicks with us. It makes me so happy to be happy with her and have her understand me and not be used like I have so much in my past. I am also happy my friend Laura is in a relationship and happy with my work buddy and that he is happy also. So everything happens for a reason no matter what and things always get better in the end.

Will it ever get better?

A video I made for the it gets better project when I was in high school

Another Email from Grandfather

Thanks Katy but we get our info from credible, peer reviewed medical journals.

All the doctors and researchers we have read and spoken to agree that this is a danger to your short and long term health, both physically and mentally.

Simply put, it will screw up your head and your body, cause an inordinate amount of pain to you and every one who cares for you and then kill you. As I believe GP told you previously, your Aunt Kalani treated a person who had been through it and died of complications at the age of 41.

Most hospitals are now unwilling to participate due to liability concerns. No one who loves you would encourage you to do harm to yourself. Anyone who does, does not have your best interests at heart or are just plain too dumb to know better. Your Grandma Poppy nor I or for that matter your mother fall into that category. I can’t speak for your father.

All of the monies I have set aside for you are restricted for your education only. When you decide what you want to do with your life, let me know and I will be happy to have a check made out go the institute of higher learning that you seek to enter.

Try to find an interest beyond this absurd obsession. Believe it or not, there is much more to life than this subject alone.

We love you and wish you a very Happy New Year!

Love,

GD

This is a list of websites and books to read about transgender that I got from a friend. I hope this helps some. I love you both and this is mostly for Grandma Poppy because she loves to look up all the medical information and everything. The sites in bold are the ones that have more info on them then the others but they have all been helpful for me.I wish to continue to have the both of you in my life and hope that we can still be a family and I know you are just sharing wisdom and guidance to me and that you are trying to protect me even though I am a far distance away and I truly appreciate that. I love you and Grandma Poppy soooooooo much. xxxooo
Love,
Katy-O

http://www.trans-health.com/2001/unaddressed-health-concerns-transgendered/- statistics

• http://imatyfa.org/
• http://ftmguide.org/
• http://tranifesto.org/
• http://trueselves.com/
• http://reddit.com/r/transspace
• http://reddit.com/r/transgender
• http://transpeoplespeak.org/
• http://ftm.livejournal.com/tag/
• http://genderqueer.livejournal.com/
• http://t-vox.org/ – resource/info central
• http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=266
• http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Online_Support
• http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Support_groups
• http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=Category:Resources
• http://safeschoolscoalition.org/whydontyoutellthem.pdf
• http://genderspectrum.org/ – go if you can! It’s great.
• http://genderodyssey.org/ – go if you can! It’s outstanding.
• http://t-vox.org/index.php?title=List_of_transmasculine_people
• http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/
• http://trans-health.org/ – go if you can! It’s free and it’s amazing.
• http://youtube.com/ftmtelevision – keep checking back because new ones are added regularly
• http://youtube.com/ftmkickstart – keep checking back because new ones are added regularly
• http://youtube.com/ftmtranstastic – keep checking back because new ones are added regularly
• http://youtube.com/watch?v=IxzKlPVceWg – an In the Life episode from spring 2012 about Trans kids and teens
• http://youtube.com/watch?v=gukzQ5eLrVc – the Trans Enough Project. An inspiring and empowering video.

Must-reads if you can get hold of them – you may be able to find them at your local library or through inter-library loan, or get a cheaper used copy online:

• Luna by Julie Anne Peters (YA fiction)
• Parrotfish by Ellen Wittlinger (YA fiction)
• Becoming a Visible Man by Jamison Green
• The Transgender Child by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper
• Trans Forming Families, edited by Mary Boenke (third edition, 2008)
• Just Add Hormones by Matt Kailey (author of the above-mentioned Tranifesto)
• Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation, edited by S. Bear Bergman and Kate Bornstein
• The Our Trans Children leaflet (sixth edition) – available from PFLAG’s Transgender Network for $2 US, or you can save and print it yourself for free. The booklet is their only source of revenue, so if you can pay for it, please do!
• TransGeneration (Ignore what Lucas says in the first episode about hormones being “very dangerous” – they’re not, not if you get them through a competent doctor and have regular – which usually means annual – bloodwork.)

(The books can be ordered on Amazon or you can get the ISBNs from Amazon and bring them to any bookshop to order them. The DVD can be ordered on Amazon also, as you see from the link.)

Email’s From Grandfather

Katy- This is what I sent your Mom earlier today and is what I was just trying to tell you but you are in your locked up, tunnel vision phase that occurs every time you get caught up with a fixation that you have reinforced over and over on-line, often with people who are just telling you crap and who certainly don’t know or care about you in the least. I can assure you that none of them are who they claim to be.

You can verify the medical facts of what you are considering if you want to really understand the risks but you don’t, you never do, you’ve just bought into a mondo bizarro reality that doesn’t exist anywhere except in your imagination. I am sorry to be so blunt but GP and I have spent your whole life protecting you and we aren’t going to stop now, even when the greatest danger of all is what you are planning to do to yourself.

We have lived a long time and seen a lot of life and know you better than anyone else on earth. What I describe below is the future you face. Don’t do it.

At least stop and think about what you think the result will be. I can assure you the reality will be nothing like the fuzzy, addle brained future you vaguely imagine. The reality will be dark, dreary, painful, depressing and short. I’m sorry but that is the brutal, unvarnished truth.

Now get your damned head out of your ass.

What you need is psychological help because you have a psychological problem. It is not a problem that can be fixed by altering your physical. What needs to be addressed is the source of the psychological problem. If that is not addressed, you will suffer greatly as you grow older, no matter what things you do to your physical self.

Love, GD and GP

Hi Honey!

Sorry to hear that about Katy. Once she goes down that road there is no coming back.

Sadly, when she gets older, she will wish she hadn't done something so stupid and harmful to her health but then it will be too late.

You can't grow new tits once you lop them off. The irony is she has no money but she will spend what she has maiming herself just because some wackos on a website blog tell her she should. Dumb and dumber getting the dumbest to be like them, when I bet a thousand dollars the ones telling her to do it haven't done it themselves. They just want someone to be even freakier than they are.

Katy is so damn gullible and then she gets stubborn and has to defend her decision like it is all about her when some other jerk planted the seeds in her mind and helped them take root, when they would never do something so stupid themselves.

The real tragedy is that Katy can't get it through her thick head that most of the crazy ideas we have when we are 19 are bad.

Most of us are lucky and survive those years with no permanent damage but when you screw up the incredible body God gave you and poison and deform yourself, what you are left with is invariably ugly and repulsive.

Nobody loves the ugly and repulsive and they sure don't love themselves. She will just end up a lonely old freak with a lot of medical problems and a severely shortened life span.

How incredibly sad.

Oh well, you can't cure stupid.

Mom and I are going swimming.

Have a great evening!

Love, Dad

             Dearest  Dad-
             Hey,  what's  up?  It's  just  good  old  me  over  here-  Well,  it  was  nice  having  Diana  stop  on  by-  Thanks  again  for  your  help-  Well,  I  did  not  want  to  mention  anything  on  Christmas  so  I  waited-  When  Katy  and  I  where  talking  I  just  wanted  to  give  you  a  heads  up  on  what  she's  up  to-  Katy  will  be  going  into  counsling  for  transgendor  by  the  end  of  this  year  or  the  begining  of  next  year-  This  is  what  she's  up  to-  She  has  my  opinion-  Anyways,  I  thought  I'd  bring  you  up  to  speed-
             Well,  today  I  took  off  to  just  chill'  and  hang  out  today-  Janice  gets  back  to  work  Friday-  Everything  is  fine  over  here-  I'm  coping  with  things  ok-  Anyways,  that's  the  scoop-  Enjoy  the  time  you  have  left  on  your  adventure  in  the  islands-  Write  more  later-

Love ya’ Carrie Berry

Can I ever be “MAN” enough?

So I called my grandparents that raised me from 3yrs old to 18 for Christmas. I told them I was transgender earlier this year and they flipped out on me and I didn’t talk to them for 6 months. Then I decided I would man up and just have a nice conversation with them about life and all that jazz. I had found many helpful sites that told me what being ftm was and talked to guys that have transitioned or are in the middle of it right now and got most of my questions answered and this reddit has helped me tons.

But when I called my grandmother with all the facts and she asked me if I was still going threw with this. I told her yes I am. And she wanted to know statistics of how many people are trans and how it is so rare a thing to be this way and how it can possibly kill you. She told me I would be a guinea pig for going on to T for they have not mastered it yet. And I told her I was going to go to a counselor and have her check me out and then a doc and have all the blood work and all that if I get approved and follow the guidelines they set out for me and stay happy and healthy. When my grandmother just told me that I was not being health by putting this toxic waste into my body which would show who I really am on the inside into the light on the outside. And then my grandfather told me I would never be man enough no matter how good I pass or how I act and all of that because I was not raised a man and will never be “man” enough.

I tried to tell them I understood it was really hard for them to wrap this concept around their minds. And if they would just be quiet for a minute and listen to how it makes me so depressed and take a step in my shoes just for a second like I have done so many times in the past just to come to a better understanding with them then maybe we could find a middle ground and I would not lose them.

For I fear with all there blind ignorance they will never come to an understanding of who I really am deep down inside and I want to let them in and I keep trying for I blocked them out for years in high school and told them it was not them it was me and I just want to be the real me and didn’t know how to state that until now. I really just want to give them a better understanding of who I am and have them in my life and not lose them.

tldr; Talked to the grandparents that raised me after coming out to them and they told be I am making the wrong decision by wanting to transition and I don’t want to lose them over this and really want to transition badly.

Coming Out- Three Times is the Charm

So this is how my coming out story goes. When I started my freshman year in high school I was the straight tomboy perfect Christian girl. All my friends where good Christian girls and more on the preppy side but had all their own styles too due to the fact that I lived in Montana back then and it was mostly country girls and a few city girls here and there. Anyways I was 15 ½ at the time and had always been curious about the same sex but I was taught by my grandparents that it is wrong to go that way in life. So I waited until spring when I turned 16 to start dating because that was when I was taught was the right time for me to start to look at the boys but I would always talk to my grandparents about my girl friends and what they would do and hide the crushes I had for them and just change the subject to one of my old friends for elementary school and how handsome my male friends had started to mature into men from boys. But never have that good feeling in stomach when I talked about them like I did when I talked about my girl friends. Thus I decided to test the waters I asked one of my new guy friends if he would date me. It lasted about three days due to the fact he saw me more as his little sister than girlfriend and I was not totally his type which did not bother me at all and we are still good friends to this day. Then I fouled around with another guy after becoming friends with him for a year and didn’t know how to tell him no and just tried stuff in the bed room but it truly was not that fun for me and also told my grandparents 3 months after the fact and had the first and only pregnancy scare due to the fact he didn’t use protection but he never had his male explosion which made things fine in the end. Then I dated my first actual girlfriend behind my grandparent’s backs yet they knew something was up but never said anything about it until I came around the corner one day. So her name is Kimmie and she is a very nice girl. I asked her one day at school if she would like to try dating me in a very cute shy way and in the end she said yes. We never kissed just hugged and held hands and that was enough for me at the time for only being 16 ½ and her 18 or 19 ½ at the time and me so new to dating and the whole sex mumbo gumbo. So one day I was in the car with my Grandma Poppy and she asked me, “So, are you dating Kimmie?” “Yes….Is there an issue with that?” I replied. “Yes…There is something wrong with you. You must like guys still and all that.” My grandmother barked back to me. “Well sure I do. I am Bi okay! I like guys and girls.” I yelled with sobs attached as she drove us both home from school that day. And we were yelling and crying in the car together about this conversation and that is when I took my first step out of the closet. After things didn’t work out with Kimmie some family things came up and I went to my father’s place in California. Me and my grandmother made an adventure of going down there and had fun. I had my second half of junior year in Cali and meet many nice people at my new school, called North High School in California. I learned for a fact after dating another guy and another chick and fouling around in the bed room that I was a lesbian. Step 2 of coming out of the closet. I told my father and he didn’t flip too much. Then told my step mom and she told me that it went against the bible but love who you want to love. And my friends where happy for me and then I moved back to Montana after more family stuff and told my grandparents. And I thought gay bashing was bad after I told them I was Bi. It became even worse with me being lesbian aka gay. But after a while they came to terms with it. I told my mom and she joked with me and told me of her experiment days and we laughed and swapped stories and smiled. And I told all my Montana friends and they told me they already knew and where proud of me. So I tried another girl and she ripped my heart from my chest and I went down into a depression spiral. But I finished high school strong was the Vice President of my schools GSA-Gay Straight Alliance and had tons of fun doing that. Then went to college in Montana, didn’t have the best of times there. Got bashed left and right, I stood tall and took it. I fought for my rights and went to the QSA- Queer Straight Alliance and tried to make things work. But from the depression of my ex that I thought was my soul mate and questioning of college I just went into an even darker world. I rebounded on a few people which was not the best to do and in the end just quit school. After that I joined the Navy. Enlisted as an E1 as a Seamen Recruit and studied my Navy Book and waited 6 months for basic training to come around and was still a lesbian but confused due to the fact my rebounds where men and a woman. But I was still questioning if I was Bi or Lesbian. So I had looked at some transgender sites through the years out of curiosity and just stuck with Lesbian at the time. Went into the Navy and they messed me up thus I go separated. And separation was truly the best place for me. I meet a lot of Rainbows there. And they taught me more about myself. So I meet the love of my life in separation and hated the day I had to go home and could not be with her any more. Started a job back in Montana and started to pounder about myself again. After some time of long distance with my soul mate Laura. I quit my job in Montana and moved down to be with her in Texas. Looked around for jobs everywhere in the little town she lives in with her large family. And in the end am getting a job as a prison guard with the state. Started to talk to my love one on one in person and she told me she would love me no matter what. She figured out that she is pansexual and her mother outed her. Which is a rather entertaining story in its self if she ever wishes to share it, I think all of you readers would enjoy it. So I started to look at the transgender spectrum once again. Read about gender dyshoria and started to think about my life and how I have always felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body. The final step out of the closet- Step 3-I am a transman. So I am a pre testosterone transman. I am a queer and a rainbow in its self. I love my girl and will never love anyone but her. I slowly came to terms after telling my girl that I am transsexual and she told her parents for me. Sure her mother thought it is odd but with something that happened at work with her she was and is fine with it. So I have come out of the closet three times and it has been a fun ride. I hope my life with be wonderful with my soul mate at my side and everything with turn out peachy in the end. For I am a transman and will live with that with the rest of my life and am finally fine with my label even if one should never put themselves in a box. It is nice to find a box you can semi fit into none the less.

td;lr- Came out Bi, Come out Lesbian aka Gay, and Now Transgender FTM

The Voice of a Transman

So lately I have been feeling better about myself. I know that I am a man stuck in a woman’s body. I also know that I don’t want to lose my voice if I go on T (testosterone). I enjoy my breasts but would rather not have them on me and would love to transition but am far too scared to do so due to the fact that I do not want to lose my voice. I love my mezzo soprano voice. I enjoy the fact that I can go from high soprano down to low tenor and that is due to the fact when I went through puberty I did not like my high voice and forced it down making it go lower. I know that is bad to do to your voice but it is what I did. And in the end I am happy that I did so otherwise I would not have the range that I do know. I have been classical trained in Opera and Broadway and do not wish to lose that, for I do not want to lose my voice. I wish to be seen as a man on the outside but am scared that my voice will be lost if I choose to transition. I do not wish to lose it for how I see it I would rather be trapped in a female body then lose the precious gift of my voice that was given to me by a higher power up above. I enjoy being a song bird and getting my emotions out and feeling free when I sing. For that is the only time that I feel free and able to be me is when I sing. For I am not scared to hide deep inside myself for I use music to get all my stuff/ issues off my chest and it makes me feel better after I do so. And music has always been there for me when I was at my lowest and it has helped me stay around. I do not wish to get rid of my gift. Sure I would love to go a little lower then what my range is now but I do not want to lose the high part of it. Sure I am 19 years old and my voice has not fully matured but am I afraid that my voice will not be something I will like if I do transition and I am scared of that. For I love the gift I have and love singing classical music and many other types after I have warmed up my opera voice for thirty to forty minutes depending on how long it takes for my full body to relax and get into my comfort zone. For I have been singing since I was really little. The age of three is where I remember. I sang Christian songs around the house that I had learned from Sunday school or little rhymes from preschool and it would cheer my Grandmother up and make my Granddaddy smile. They then put me into choir when I was in the first grade and I had fun with that. It was a private choir you had to pay to be in but my Grandmother saw that I had a gift and wished for me to learn to love it. Then in elementary school I sang when we had music class and I had fun with that for I went to an Art elementary when I was young. I would try out for solos and never get them and I would sing solos for the school arts festival they had once a year and have fun with that and sing at church. For when I was in elementary school I had a natural vibrato and got picked on due to it. But my Grandparents told me to be proud of my voice and just keep singing if it makes you happy. So then in fifth grade the school choir got chosen to sing an accredited local musicians music in Carnige hall in New York, New York. I was so excited to be showing off my talent to others even though I was still in a large group. I had to raise money to go and my grandmother got the idea I could sing all the Broadway songs I loved that I had been practicing at home from my favorite Broadway musicals she showed me and Disney movies I had watched and loved. I raised the money to go to Carnige hall and had tons of fun in New York.  Then in fifth grade the school talent show came and I wished to sing a Christian song that I had learned from Sunday school but the school would not let me but I tried out with my Broadway song from Annie and they told me it was fine and I felt like a shining star for the first time on the school gym floor. Then I went to middle school and went to three different middle schools I started at a private Christian school for my grandparents didn’t think I was ready for the scary time of middle school and I agreed with them and went to the private one. I had fun for I could show off my voice in the winter show we had and be a star.  Then I thought I was ready to go to a public middle school and joined the choir there the teacher I had when I was in the first grade was the same teacher for the middle school. So I had tons of fun and she used me where she needed me for she already knew my voice and I felt wonderful to be of help. But then some craziness happened and that school just was not the right fit for me. So I went back to the private one and was in a play and had fun. Then stated that the private one was not challenging enough intellectually for me. So they let me go to the other middle school in town that was once connected to the high school I went to. I had fun trying to work with the choir teacher and not out shine anyone but I never got solos and just blended and felt like I was just being hidden and that it was unfair but that is school for you. Then when high school hit I tried out for the choir and got in.  I was happy that I was in choir and tried to fit in yet didn’t do to my voice and my Grandmother had gotten me private lessons so I had more training than the other kids in my class so I felt that the first year of high school choir was far too easy for me and I wished for the teacher to challenge me yet she just stuck me where she saw fit and hid me like the other teacher across the way did. After that I could not take choir anymore for it just felt wrong being stuck with that teacher and she taught all the other choirs and I did not wish to be stuck with her. So my Grandmother got me lessons and I enjoyed them but they just felt like it was more work then fun and I gave up every now and then but in the end went through with it all and had fun. Then my senior year of high school I decided to go back to choir and go into the all girl choir that we had, the teacher taught me lessons I will never forget and used my voice as it was meant to be used and also let me shine once and have a solo which I was so proud of. After high school I tried out college for a little bit but due to now being an out lesbian that was a rainbow after finding myself in high school which is a whole other story in its self I was happy with my voice and happy with myself other than a rough break up and thought, “Hey, maybe I can go to school for music and do something with it.”  So I tried college and that was a bust due to the bullying I could not handle.  So I quit college and decided hell I guess I can go into the military for I come from a military family and always saw that option open. So I signed up thinking I could go to school and work on computers and get a degree in music also and maybe one day be in the military band. Well that dream got shout out of the water when I messed up my paper work due to my recruiter not being the best but not knowing any better at the same time for he was new so I don’t blame him. And got medically discharged from the Navy which is the branch I chose to go into. When I was in separations I meet the love of my life so something bad made something good happen which was nice for life to do to me. Anyways, I meet her and meet many other people that where in the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender) community. And they all helped me figure out the real me.  Then I got back home to my Grandparents and got a job and lived with my mom. I thought about music every now and then but it hardly crossed my mind for I just wanted to be with the love of my life at the time after just recently meeting her. And love can blind you from your dreams or at least it does with me being a hopeless romantic and all that. Anyways, I moved to be with her and figured out I was transgender and here I am typing this 6 months after I moved away from my hometown to be with the love of my life and trying to figure out what to do about transitioning into the man I have always been. So, I am worried about what T will do to my body and do not wish to harm myself at all. I have looked at the pros and cons medically. And have also thought of top surgery where you get your breasts removed. And I don’t know what I want to do due to the fact I do not wish to lose my grandparents that have seen so much in me and what I can do with my life if I make my mind up to it and they have always been there to help me and support me and now I am gone from them and really want to be the real me on the inside and out but do not want to throw away the one thing that has helped me in my darkest of times and that is my voice. So I guess all I have to say is I want to keep my voice and I want to be a man. But how can you do that ?