Archive for February, 2014

USN- United States Navy-2012

Posted: February 26, 2014 in Military
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I was raised by my Marine Corps Granddaddy and Grandma Poppy.

They did the best that they could raising me with 1950 stereotypes of what a woman is to be and tweaking it some with the 21st Century.

My grandfather trained me for the military with the way the house was run. He was my drill sergeant and my grandmother my medical captain.

My grandfather was in the Marines for 25 years and retried as a Lieutenant Colonel.

I was his side kick and private growing up with them from the age of 5 and up. So 13 years of republican military bull shit I had to endure.

When I turned 18 and graduated from high school in 2011.

It was get a job, go to college, or enlist in the military.

I always thought about going in but didn’t at that time.

Went to college for 3 months, tried to face the gay bashing head on due to being an out lesbian in Bozeman, Montana at Montana State University.

That didn’t last long. Thus, I enlisted in the Navy.

6 months after waiting and doing a shit ton of paper work.

I went in 2012 of March. The month of my birthday.

I was horrible the first night I was in.

A black woman in her early 20’s was yelling “FEMALE GET OVER HERE!”

Right as I walked off the bus.

I stated, “Yes, Ma’am.”

Next thing I know the petty officer is looking at me with her charcoal black eyes glaring into my ocean green glass covered orbs.


“I apologize Ma’am.”


I turn my head and see the three red stripes and eagle on her right upper shoulder, stating she is a petty officer, first class. By this time I am sobbing and anger is just rushing through my veins due to all the abuse my whole family gave me and using my coping skills at this moment as I get yelled at. I clinch my fists in balls ready to fight if I have to and just stare at the woman very sternly with anger in my eyes.

“I apologize Ma’am.” I state again, straight to her face in respect.


I walk away  to get the clothes I need after taking the piss test in a bathroom with no walls and just toilets with 6 other girls and a officer over looking us feeling like a damn volunteer inmate.

The petty officer looks at me and tells me out of all the girls, standing straight in front of me with a grin glowing in her black spheres.


That just sends me over the edge.

I scream and shout back at her and it is 3 am in the morning as we get our things and move from getting NAVY clothes putting civilian things into a box to send home and then get sent to a classroom to get assigned our units.

I am sobbing and shaking and trying my damnest to keep myself under control. After the last comment shoved in my face after having to get through all the gay bashing from my family, friends, and college racing through my head.

The black petty officer comes up next to my desk and smirks.


I hear the unit numbers ring off as they call for people with talents. And due to my attitude moment. Don’t get chosen for the musical squad. I get sent to the last unit they have. The underdogs. The worst of the worst recruits. The ones that didn’t bust their ass with hours of gym training like I did and are over weight. The ones that have attitude issues like my own and can’t keep it in check. We are the geeks the IT”s the computer nerds aka fuck ups in everyone else s eyes.

After that one  incident with the first petty officer. I am immediately FAGGOT. For they don’t just call me FEMALE. Like they are supposed to due to don’t ask don’t tell is not in effect anymore. Nope, I am Faggot.

I hear it day in and day out.

For two straight weeks. I bite my tongue and just act like a good little solider that my Grandfather trained me to be.

No thoughts, just a robot. No emotions, just a robot.

Do as I am told and move on.

Fucking easier said then done.

Thus, I got sent to separations and sent back home.

Due to my petty officer that signed me in not getting me a counseling wavier which I needed and the Medical Captain of the Great Lakes Recruit Training Center sends me to the mental health office.

The psychologist diagnosis me with Major Depression instead of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Due to my family bs and also so that I can possibly re enlist after 3 months of therapy and get signed off by said therapist.

Come back home from the Navy in 2012 after being marked as a mental health hazard.

Come home to my grandparents.

My Grandfather tells me,

“You’re a failure.”



Well, Therapy seems to be going well for me. Yet, it feels like my therapist hardly cares about me. She knows that I am broke and semi-homeless at this moment in time. I also understand she has to help the other guys in the group. It just feels to me that she hardly wants to get to know me and really help me. It was nice the first time I saw her and it was one on one. But she twisted my arm about  wanting to go on to Testosterone. And stated to me; the way I took it, that she will only continue to see me if I do start on T.

I understand that artificial hormones for trans folk are great and dandy. But, with my family history of mental illness and all my past junk with my family that I have not been able to get through, I am just an emotional mess at the moment.  As well as not wanting to lose my singing voice that the high power above gifted me with.

As my Big Brother told me with his tattoos, it is an emotional evolution for an internal revolution.

You have to get through all the emotional junk in your head first. Then be  110% sure that you wish to medically transition.

Which in this point in time is hard for me to fathom, getting on hormones.

Due to all the personal turmoil in my mind that I have not been able to release and fully conquered yet.

Anyways…that is how I am feeling about hormones at the moment.

T on the voice

Posted: February 21, 2014 in All Things Trans
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T on the voice

Testosterone on the voice


Sharing my experience with T, and the terrible side effects I had. With Opal, my purple hedgehog.

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Singing and T – some tentative thoughts.

The Changing Female to Male (FTM) Voice

FTM voice change done slowly then the medical standard of using Testosterone in one’s body