To my wife Cynthia

From the moment I meet you I knew you where the one.

You saved me from myself at kareoke and got me to the hospital in time.

You where there when I had my mental break down and always took my calls or called me to give me strength to get treatment.

You came to my rehab both times and showered me with snacks and showed you cared no matter what, we could do this recovery together.

You pushed me to start my legal and medical transition and helped me become the man I am.

You pushed me to try my luck in security as my job and I’ve been a guard for 3 years now.

You are always there for me and I am forever greatful for your smile and laughs that bring joy to my life.

I love you and forever Panda boo.

Kelly Canyon

I’m from a small college town called Bozeman out in the Mountains of Montana. From a little canyon, called Kelly Canyon. Where the deer, elk, rabbit, bears, cougars, coyotes, and wolves roam. I am one with nature and all the western animals. I roam the Aspen trees finding heart rocks and hiking sticks. I whittle and see the beautiful wood grain hidden beneath the bark of my hiking sticks. I play in creeks and with horses and donkeys from our next mile over neighbors ranch. My best friend is the next door neighbors dog on one side and cats on the other. I grew up with Marine Corp in my veins. Living at Camp Cummins all my youthful days. I have scars to show how I learned my ways of life. Was always hard headed and had to figure out the solution my way. Those where the good old days.

Rainbow

In the world of pink and blue, I am a rainbow. The outcast with a bright light. Holding on to the edge of life as everything crumbles around me and I get reborn. Rise from the ashes, stronger and made a new. The phoniex with bright blue eyes that shine like the fire inside that keeps me strong.

Blue eyes

Blue eyes why you crying

The past is the past

It keeps on dying

Let go of it all

Stop crying

Everything will pass

And you will be fine again

Blue eyes stop your crying

On the Bus

Slowly rolling down the streets

I think to myself I hope I have done enough

Enough to get this new job. Going through all thier hops.

As my wife drops me off early in the morning and I get everything squared away with the secretary with my paperwork.

Call my doctor to make sure his paper work has gone through just to be able to use a computer for work instead of hand writting.

Hope that he fills out the paperwork soon so I can finally start my job.

Paperwork and more paperwork holding me back for being a working man once again because I say to much or have to prove my authentic self over and over again.

All the legalities that are my bumps in the road just to work again.

Hoping that all the pieces come together so I can finally get back on my feet after months of going no where but down into a deep dark spiral of depression.

Just hoping for the best as I take the bus home.

Well hello there

So it has been a minute since I have wrote last on here. I just use this blog as a sound board of myself ever since I got it up and running. Of my trials , tribulations , and Joys in my life. Be it through poems or long paragraphs.

So what I have noticed with my life as of last year and this year is that it has held a lot of change. Change that I needed to better my authentic self and change that I did not see coming and wish had not happened to me. For I am one that is horrible with change. I enjoy routine and constants of things but I know life is not that organizaied and gets on my nerves sometimes. I know that life is like the changing of weather one moment everything is beautiful and sunshine and maybe a couple clouds overhead and the next thing I know there’s thunder and lightning. See I can deal with weather, I always learn to be prepared. For the rest of my life that’s something entirely different. Sometimes I think I would have figured it all out by now. I get it I’m still young and still learning everything but I thought I learned enough to just get by.

 

I thought that with my 6 to 7 years of travels, that I had figured somethings out. Sure I finally have figured out my authentic self and am at peace sort of with who I am and who I am becoming. As the authentic man I have always been. But there are still so many things that get to me. Like how will I support myself and yet constantly get turned down for a job. Or how to keep myself happy when I think that everything is at a loss. I get it, I’m a work in progress. But sometimes I just feel so shot down at times. Cause I keep trying and trying my hardest and yet it still seems like it is never enough and then damn depression creeps in.