The Lone Wolf

A man lost in the woods. Looking for his pack to belong with. Trying to get back into society of fucked up America that is the way it is now a days. A shaman that knows how to hide deep down inside of his self and his cave and only come out at night when it feels safe.

 

Where am I to go? I ask myself from time to time. Since I turned 18 I became the lone wolf of my family. Kicked out of his pack due to being a lesbian. My family slowly came to terms with that. And then at 19 after coming back home from the Navy and being told I am a failure from my Grandfather. Move to Texas and come out as a Trans* Man.

That was two years ago.

I thought my family had gotten over themselves. But NO!

They have just gotten even worse. Telling me I need to see a therapist, which is true. But hoping it is one that will try to tell me that I need to be a woman and not the man that I truly am deep down inside that I have been hiding since I was around the age of 6 or 7.

I know my Grandparents just saw me as a tomboy and thought it was a “phase”. But it never was a phase for me and is not.

I used to dream that I would wake up with the right parts when I was in elementary school. When I learned about the male and female body I was terrified of the changes I would face with the body that “God” gave me. My hellish temple that I have learned to just live with for the past 21 years of my existence.

Now that I have been out as a Trans* Man for a year. I am slowly going through my emotional transition. To get all my military family bull shit out of my head. It is hard. For the tape recorders and buttons that they installed into my main frame are a bitch to get out with my own personal sonic screwdriver. For I know that I am not the first or the last, transgender individual that has had to go from fire into the frying pan and then hell and back again.

At this moment in time though. It is really a pain in the ass for me. Due to the fact that my gender therapist a month ago took me out of her service due to the fact that I was far too emotion for her to handle in a group setting and that she could not see me one on one.

As well as my Grandmother sicking a group of fundamentalist christian missionaries from my hometown Bozeman,Montana on me when they came down for spring break to do a mission trip. And my grandmother gave them my personal cell number as well as address. So that they could have a trans* intervention on me and take the trans out of me kinda intervention. As well as get me back to Christ.  For my grandmother thinks that I have strayed the path due to being a pan-sexual trans* man as well as pagan. Which is just her own personal craziness. I had to tell the group of the missionaries that tried to take me back to my home state a week before my 21st birthday that I would not go with them and almost had to call the cops on them.

SO the month of March was crazy for me. But it looks like things might possibly be getting better for me. Even thought I still feel like the lone wolf just going threw the daily motions of life and not really knowing where the God and Goddess have planned for my life. In this hellish world that we all live in.