11 years have gone by

I ran away from my family to follow my dreams to find unconditional love at the age of 18. I knew my grandparents cared for me but needed time to except my authentic self, my mom and dad and step mom plus aunt and uncle love me for me but I just couldn’t deal with my family toxicity when it came to certain subjects and always saying agree to disagree on it , instead of really taking about it then just shoving it under the rug which would build pressure on me for all the unsaid things I would want to say but just didn’t have the right words or definitions till I researched about my true self for 5 years and had my experiences trying to become a sailor in the U.S. Navy and then being called a disgrace on the family name due to tapping into my true emotions of home sickness and girls being catty to me when I was trying to be a leader and help everyone out but I would cry myself to sleep every night cause no comfort stuffed animal and all my safe space had been stripped from me and then I moved back in with my mom and tried my first job at Wal-mart in the garden center but I felt back slash from my family and my dreams where someone else then Montana and I no longer wanted to be sheltered and my religious views are so far different then my grandparents and my political views as well. So I flew the coop with the help of my best friend and she took me to the airport and I moved to Texas and was a Correctional Officer for 9 months and tons of crazy stuff happened with my coworkers and the warden of the jail just couldn’t stand I was transgender when I came out in my last 3 months and so I just quit instead of getting something bad on my record due to being me. Things fell out with my girlfriend I had in Texas so then I contacted an online friend I have been friends with since middle school and asked if she could help me if I moved to Kentucky and I ended up living in two different hotels for a month and then a women’s homeless shelter but my depression got the best of me and I got kicked out cause I didn’t understand how the program worked and was on the streets for a week with just a bottle of water and some books in the woods and then I walked over the boarder to the bus station in Ohio and called my dad and he got me a bus ticket to Bakersfield,CA and then my depression was so bad I isolated in my bedroom at his house and my step mom tried to get me therapy but I was just feeling like a lost cause and my dad kept giving me ultimatums so I took him up on them and contacted a transgender housing group on yahoo and found my God mom on there and moved in with her in Riverside,CA. I helped her start a nonprofit but was dealing with my depression and alcoholism cause I would go to the gay bars and do karaoke and only pay for one drink and get many more due to my singing. Then when my God mom had to move back to Ohio for her mom I moved to Lake Elsinore with a family from the PFLAG group I would go to and things started to look better for me but then the mom gave me an eviction notice and my boyfriend at the time asked his grandparents if I could move in with him and they allowed it. Then at work at Wal-mart in Murrieta I had my first major mental break down in the bathroom and took a week off from work and didn’t know that was the tip of my iceberg moment that sent me down my rabbit hole to learn I have bipolar like my mom and I went to a mental health hospital with my girlfriend and she stood by me through it all and became my wife.I was homeless with my girlfriend and then we reached out to my pastor and she had me checked out by a mental health worker and said to ask my other pastor if they knew of any resources in San Bernardino cause Riverside screwed me over the first time I got out of the mental hospital and went to rehab and then they couldn’t find me housing so I became homeless. I then went to a mental health group for teens and young adults called the Stay program and then went into rehab for the second time and got into a sober living and started my legal name change with the help of my wife and then found a transgender doctor and started my transition in 2017 and now its been over 4 years on T-gel , had my emergency hysterectomy in 2019 and Top surgery in 2020 and feel like a whole man now. Sure it’s still rough with my family but I have always stayed in contact with my mom be it phone calls or snail mail. I have a way better relationship with my dad and step mom then before. My grandparents still call me by my old name and old pronouns but I know they mean well and love me unconditionally. I’ve tried to get back in contact with my aunt and uncle but they have a farm they are running and its rough having to deal with my uncles family and my family at the same time. I just wish I could explain to my aunt why I used her as my scapegoat as a teen to get away from all my demons I didn’t understand that where bothering me till I went to therapy. So now I am going to college to be a veterinary technician and I have therapy every other week still working on me and how to be a better husband for my wife. I’ve come a long way from how I used to be as user and abuser to just try to get love the wrong way and with T-gel I now have every emotion known to man at my finger tips which can be very overwhelming because now I feel everything even more deeply and my wife wishes at times I could be the stereotypical man but that is not me, I’m Mr.Emotional. I’m the one still searching for unconditional love be it from a friend, partner or animal due to having a rough childhood that looks so pretty on the outside but inside I was struggling. I had to grow up faster then normal due to my mom’s mental illness and I rarely got to just be a kid and that was when I went to my aunt and uncles. Everyday is a struggle for me and I’m trying my best to make the most of my life out of all this craziness.

Family

So if you’ve been following my blog for a while or are new to it. I have a rather rocky relationship with my family. I was born in Bakersfield, California and raised by mom and dad till my moms mental health turned for the worst when I was three and I took my first solo plane ride to Bozeman, Montana to stay the summer with my grandparents on my moms side Grandma Poppy and Granddaddy. The summer vacation turned into my grandparents getting legal guardianship of me when I was in 5th grade when my mom and dad got divorced. And every summer from then on in july or august I would see my dad and my mom was in and out of mental hospitals and she is in warmsprings mental hospital at the moment,pray for her. So with all of that I was raised by my Grandparents and in the past I made them look like the bad guys of my story till I went to theraphy for 4 years and learned the biggest lesson of my life- “You can’t change people, you can only change yourself.” I got from my therapist after months of internally battling with myself that I could change my grandparents 1950s sterotypes of a woman and a man and all the Marine Corp values they instilled in me. So my first 5 years of transitioning from female to male socially I blocked my family out everyone but my mom. Then I went through some major depression and an ex of mine reached out to my grandparents and they suprised visited me at work at walmart. Thankfully my boss was nice and said look like you are working and you can talk to them and I was rather harsh how I put them down with my wants not getting needed when I was younger and finally had words to explain why I felt like I always was a boy when I was younger but they where not listing to my gender transition fully becaIuse I was still pre everything and they wanted me to be 110% sure that if I medically transitioned its what I wanted for my body and mental health. So in November for 2017 I got my first dose of Tesosterone gel and started my medical transition. I decided to document my changes on youtube on a new channel under my new name Kaydian Anderson. With the push from my wife Cynthia, I legally changed my name to Kaydian Micheal Anderson. Then had an emergency hysterectomy in 2019 due to my depo shot aka progesterone ending and being on tesoterone gel wacked out my hormones thus needing to get a hysterectomy. I had larcospoic and still have my ovaries due to insurance issues. Then in October 2020 I had top surgery aka bilateral mysectomy with nipple graphs. That finished my medical transition fully for me. So I am on better talking terms with all my family now and send them photos of me and my wife for the holidays. 5 years later , now 10 years since I first came out to my grandparents as transgender,Im accepted as family again. Sure its still rough calling me my full name but they call me Kay for short and always working on pronouns. Im proud to have a loving family now that I never dreamed would come back. Plus my wifes family fully supports me as well. My wedding was lovely and my wifes best friend was our bestie for the bride and groom and we had christian and pagan roots added. I never dreamed in 2011 after I graduated highschool, bombed college and the Navy aka whole other story that with all my travels for 10 years I would find my aunthentic self and my family again and an extended one with my wife. So this year Im going back to college to become a dream job of mine when I was a kid to work with animals as a vet tech and have everyone behind me cheering me on for the best in my new adventures.

Top Surgery

Week 2, post op.

Two Spirit

When I have a brand new hair do
Not with my eye lashes all in a curl
I can’t seem to float on clouds of air
And I don’t enjoy being a girl

I don’t flip when a fellow sends me flowers
I can’t drool over dresses made of lace
I can’t seem to talk on the telephone for hours
And I sure as hell don’t wear a pound and a half of cream upon my face

I am not strictly female
Or male at that either
I am a two spirit

And I hope my future will bring
Peace and Happiness
With a couple of kitty cats and puppy dogs, running under neath me

When men say I am cute and funny
I look at them with this most confused look on my face
As they misgender me
And think, and say out loud – EXCUSE ME, BUT IT’S SIR
I don’t enjoy being a girl

I am a MAN
I drool over tuxes and ties
I text for hours at a time
And I look in the mirror every day
Trying to see what hair is growing upon this face of mine

I am not strictly female
I am not strictly male
I am a two spirit

And I hope this future of mine
Will turn into something better then the past
That was hell for me
I enjoy being a GUY

Internal Revolution, External Evolution

My talking my poem out that I did off of a friends tattoos.

Long Distance Relationship

Lately life was looking like it was going down a down ward spiral. But then things started to get better for me.

I meet a really nice young Trans Man that I will just be using the letter K for his name.  K is a sweet heart that lives down in the south.

We meet on an ftm Facebook group and just started chatting about all things ftm . And I was giving him links left and right. He then gave me his phone number to text him. So he could have more information. For he just owns a smart phone and doesn’t have a computer at all.

From there we started chatting and became friends and now are more then just that.

So, my ankle is still messed up from a choir injury that happened a while ago.

But all my activism for the T in LGBT is going well.

And now I have a cutie that keeps me in good spirits as well.

Gender Therapy

I though group therapy was going well for me. But bloody emotions and things that have been pushed to the back of my mind for years and then bring it up and all that trauma surfacing to the top makes someone have an emotional melt down. And I know that is far less except able in a group then one on one therapy setting.

I know I talk to much and I just feel so awkward and lonely in group. For I am such a different guy then all the others. I try to not be a man with an audience of peers. I try to keep my urges of wanting to help another threw my personal experiences and just get help for myself. All I wanted was help to get over all my fears and bull shit aka tape recorders of my family and get free of it all slowly but surely so I could let it go and just be me. And have friends from group and be a part of there life as well as them in mine.

And start finally getting through my emotional transition. *sighs*

Gender Therapist 2.0

Well, Therapy seems to be going well for me. Yet, it feels like my therapist hardly cares about me. She knows that I am broke and semi-homeless at this moment in time. I also understand she has to help the other guys in the group. It just feels to me that she hardly wants to get to know me and really help me. It was nice the first time I saw her and it was one on one. But she twisted my arm about  wanting to go on to Testosterone. And stated to me; the way I took it, that she will only continue to see me if I do start on T.

I understand that artificial hormones for trans folk are great and dandy. But, with my family history of mental illness and all my past junk with my family that I have not been able to get through, I am just an emotional mess at the moment.  As well as not wanting to lose my singing voice that the high power above gifted me with.

As my Big Brother told me with his tattoos, it is an emotional evolution for an internal revolution.

You have to get through all the emotional junk in your head first. Then be  110% sure that you wish to medically transition.

Which in this point in time is hard for me to fathom, getting on hormones.

Due to all the personal turmoil in my mind that I have not been able to release and fully conquered yet.

Anyways…that is how I am feeling about hormones at the moment.

T on the voice

T on the voice

Testosterone on the voice

The Changing Female to Male (FTM) Voice

The Changing Female to Male (FTM) Voice

FTM voice change done slowly then the medical standard of using Testosterone in one’s body