Man

Posted: May 23, 2020 in All Things Trans, LGBTQ

So many thoughts going through my head. Will I ever be man enough , I keep poundering. But also the though of what makes a man a man. Is it toxic masculinity of white America or is it my father figures that can’t except me as my true self. Fuck this tog and pull of what makes a man. Can I embrace my feminity that I shunned till I turned 20?  Can I love floral print and clothes have no gender? Why must I fit a box for people to love me? Why can’t I just be the man I want to be. Why must I be in black and white stereotypes of female and male and not embrace the rainbow of gender freedom and be accepted as me. Why?

Wondering

Posted: April 4, 2020 in Uncategorized

I still here wondering about the world.

How America has turned into a huge dumpster fire because of the President and greed in this world.

Where I barley make more then federal minimum wage and I’m classified as an essential worker in these trying times.

People have gone bat shit crazy over soap, toliet paper, hand sanitizer and masks but won’t comply with the stay at home order and our curfew 5am to 10pm here in California is barely getting reinforced after the first day it was put out.

Americans listen to Trump say it’s a Chinese disease and that turns people racist and savage against Asian Americans like when we had the Japanese all jam backed together like the deporties just because of there color of skin and history back in World war 2 after the attack on pearl harbor and now history is just repeating its self with Hispanics. It just sickends me.

What has this great nation of freedom done to society. It’s always the strong European white men that get what they want and end up fucking everything up in the end.

Six years

Posted: January 1, 2020 in All Things Trans, LGBTQ

Six years ago I left home

I left you Mom

I learned I am just as crazy as you Mom

Battling the demons and angels

Seeing and living out dreams I never imaged would come true

Yearning for home

Learning lessions that only pain can teach you

Trust issues

Self abuse

Learning that I am the only one in control of my destiny

Copping skills and routines to get back on track

Meds to become the stable authentic me

2 years on T

Posted: November 28, 2019 in All Things Trans

2 years on T – my youtube channel

This month is my two years on testosterone.  I started this journey seven years ago when I started my transition socially. By getting a short haircut, masculine glasses , wearing mens clothing and wearing a sports bra and then saying fuck it to the bra and freeing myself in the gender I have felt since the age of 7 and had to hide on the back burner of my mind until I was 19. At 20 I came out as a trans man and it has made me feel so much more comfortable with myself. For five years I researched everything I could find online about being a trans man and how to be a man . In November 2017 I found  a local clinic that is LGBT friendly and amazingly got the transgender specialist as my doctor. With a quick paperwork about the pros and cons about going on T and what it could do to me that is irreversible I checked the boxes and had my labs drawn then was told to come back in two weeks and that I would receive Androgel aka T gel at my next visit on the 20th and start my medical transition. Then in July of 2018 I had an emergency hysterectomy because somehow my hormones where all screwed up from the birth control shot aka depo and I had been spotting for a year straight with the occasional one or two days where it would stop but then come back. It took 6 months to get a ultra sound and then another six to get the hysterectomy approved. Thankfully my insurance covered it even with all the blood work and ultra sounds saying I was fine. I was not. So in July I had my surgery. I was told all the pros and cons before and I never wanted to bare a child in my lifetime in this body. Just be a dad. So my first big surgery of transition happened. With the help of my wife and best friend Ben, I recovered at my wife’s cousins house and she was nice enough to let my best friend Ben help take care of me when I was recovering. Now I am going to therapy to get my second letter for top surgery because my insurance requires two. I had educated my  psychiatrist about what a trans man is and how the hormones can and do effect me and for her to help me stay stable with medication. She was reluctant at first to write me a letter but with a little persuasion and explaining the type of surgery I want and why  she wrote me the first letter. Now I am telling my story again for it seems the millionth time. Thanking my lucky stars that California in the Inland Empire has IEHP as the insurance to cover my transition and get me all the help I need for my transition and to stay stable. So hopefully in the next year I will get top surgery and have the help of my wife and best friend Ben for recovery.  I was so scared to medically transition. I read both sides of those that where grateful for it and those that regretted it. I found that the pros out way the cons and I am for much more at peace in my life with medically transitioning after five years of testing the water of what a man should be and becoming the feminine man that I now embrace instead of being stuck in toxic masculinity.

Kelly Canyon

Posted: October 24, 2019 in poems

I’m from a small college town called Bozeman out in the Mountains of Montana. From a little canyon, called Kelly Canyon. Where the deer, elk, rabbit, bears, cougars, coyotes, and wolves roam. I am one with nature and all the western animals. I roam the Aspen trees finding heart rocks and hiking sticks. I whittle and see the beautiful wood grain hidden beneath the bark of my hiking sticks. I play in creeks and with horses and donkeys from our next mile over neighbors ranch. My best friend is the next door neighbors dog on one side and cats on the other. I grew up with Marine Corp in my veins. Living at Camp Cummins all my youthful days. I have scars to show how I learned my ways of life. Was always hard headed and had to figure out the solution my way. Those where the good old days.

Society

Posted: September 14, 2019 in All Things Trans

The tog and the pull of the binary on me. Be a girl, be a man, forget yourself and just blend in to the meld of society.

Be a man, doubt embrace your emotions hide them deep inside of her. Forget your past and who you used to be. Make a future in hyper masculine society.

Let go of all things girly and embrace yourself as a man made by society.

Well in all honesty that seems far-fetched and out of place for me. For I choose to embrace all sides of me and remember where I came from.

I will not let society force me into boxes that I am not designed for or fit in you see. For that is not the real me.

Saberna Gonzales

Posted: July 13, 2019 in Uncategorized

https://www.gofundme.com/saberna-gonzales-funeral

 

My best friend’s mom that is ohana got killed in a drunk driving accident and was the victim.

Ordinary

Posted: June 8, 2019 in All Things Trans

The tog and pull of the binary on me.

Be a girl, be a man, forget yourself and just meld into society.

Lose the old you and don’t embrace that side. Be tough and strong forget your femine side and be a young man.

Be tough,strong,free willed, an asshole if need be and forget where you came from. Just try to fit in and be ordinary instead of extrodinary.

Be simple,be plain,be bland,and just a man.

I say fuck that society!

I’m me. A man that is two spirit and embraces my femine side with my masculine side.

I’m no cookie cutter man.

I’m not ordinary, I’m different and not ashemed.

 

 

 

Rainbow

Posted: June 8, 2019 in LGBTQ, poems

In the world of pink and blue, I am a rainbow. The outcast with a bright light. Holding on to the edge of life as everything crumbles around me and I get reborn. Rise from the ashes, stronger and made a new. The phoniex with bright blue eyes that shine like the fire inside that keeps me strong.

Binary

Posted: March 20, 2019 in Uncategorized

We live in the land of the binary.

Be male or female no in-between. Just black and white no gray.

When you fight back and say you are different you just get turned down.

All we ask is for acceptance of self. Look here I’m different and gray and it is fine. Why must I be stuck in your ways I always ask. I bend the rules never break and find loop holes.

This binary world is burning to the ground with new thinking. Of non-binary, queer, gray, rainbow thinking.

The binary and brackets of life are fading and changing. This new age is coming slowly but every day progresses for change of a better way where all are included.