a gentleman and a scholar

Because so many people who want to know more about trans rights, and be supportive, don’t really know what dysphoria is, or what it can do.

Because so many people who want to derail or dismiss discussions of trans people and our existence believe that they can ignore it, or somehow explain it away.

Have you ever broken a limb and had it in plaster? And when you went to move it you couldn’t – when your brain told it to function it failed? When you looked down and expected something – preemptively felt it – your eyes contradicted you, the limitations of your embodied self clashed against the self that your brain expected to be there?

That’s how dysphoria has always felt to me.

It was stumbling with shock when my arms brushed against my breasts (and I struggle to write the word my next to breasts because they…

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Anxiety

Posted: August 21, 2014 in Mental Illness
Tags: , ,

The first thing I do when I wake up is think of all the responsibilities I need to get done.

And with each one racing through my head, my chest starts to tighten up.

My hands being to shake and I feel a knot grow in my throat.

All I want to do is scream at that point, yet I can’t.

As everything starts to just enclose around me due to the fact my life is crumbling around me.

Welcome to my anxiety.

Two Spirit

Posted: June 10, 2014 in All Things Trans
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2When I have a brand new hair do
Not with my eye lashes all in a curl
I can’t seem to float on clouds of air
And I don’t enjoy being a girl

I don’t flip when a fellow sends me flowers
I can’t drool over dresses made of lace
I can’t seem to talk on the telephone for hours
And I sure as hell don’t wear a pound and a half of cream upon my face

I am not strictly female
Or male at that either
I am a two spirit

And I hope my future will bring
Peace and Happiness
With a couple of kitty cats and puppy dogs, running under neath me

When men say I am cute and funny
I look at them with this most confused look on my face
As they misgender me
And think, and say out loud – EXCUSE ME, BUT IT’S SIR
I don’t enjoy being a girl

I am a MAN
I drool over tuxes and ties
I text for hours at a time
And I look in the mirror every day
Trying to see what hair is growing upon this face of mine

I am not strictly female
I am not strictly male
I am a two spirit

And I hope this future of mine
Will turn into something better then the past
That was hell for me
I enjoy being a GUY

My talking my poem out that I did off of a friends tattoos.

Video  —  Posted: June 2, 2014 in All Things Trans
Tags: , , , , ,

long_distance_love_cLately life was looking like it was going down a down ward spiral. But then things started to get better for me.

I meet a really nice young Trans Man that I will just be using the letter K for his name.  K is a sweet heart that lives down in the south.

We meet on an ftm Facebook group and just started chatting about all things ftm . And I was giving him links left and right. He then gave me his phone number to text him. So he could have more information. For he just owns a smart phone and doesn’t have a computer at all.

From there we started chatting and became friends and now are more then just that.

So, my ankle is still messed up from a choir injury that happened a while ago.

But all my activism for the T in LGBT is going well.

And now I have a cutie that keeps me in good spirits as well.

The Lone Wolf

Posted: April 25, 2014 in All Things Trans
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Image

A man lost in the woods. Looking for his pack to belong with. Trying to get back into society of fucked up America that is the way it is now a days. A shaman that knows how to hide deep down inside of his self and his cave and only come out at night when it feels safe.

 

Where am I to go? I ask myself from time to time. Since I turned 18 I became the lone wolf of my family. Kicked out of his pack due to being a lesbian. My family slowly came to terms with that. And then at 19 after coming back home from the Navy and being told I am a failure from my Grandfather. Move to Texas and come out as a Trans* Man.

That was two years ago.

I thought my family had gotten over themselves. But NO!

They have just gotten even worse. Telling me I need to see a therapist, which is true. But hoping it is one that will try to tell me that I need to be a woman and not the man that I truly am deep down inside that I have been hiding since I was around the age of 6 or 7.

I know my Grandparents just saw me as a tomboy and thought it was a “phase”. But it never was a phase for me and is not.

I used to dream that I would wake up with the right parts when I was in elementary school. When I learned about the male and female body I was terrified of the changes I would face with the body that “God” gave me. My hellish temple that I have learned to just live with for the past 21 years of my existence.

Now that I have been out as a Trans* Man for a year. I am slowly going through my emotional transition. To get all my military family bull shit out of my head. It is hard. For the tape recorders and buttons that they installed into my main frame are a bitch to get out with my own personal sonic screwdriver. For I know that I am not the first or the last, transgender individual that has had to go from fire into the frying pan and then hell and back again.

At this moment in time though. It is really a pain in the ass for me. Due to the fact that my gender therapist a month ago took me out of her service due to the fact that I was far too emotion for her to handle in a group setting and that she could not see me one on one.

As well as my Grandmother sicking a group of fundamentalist christian missionaries from my hometown Bozeman,Montana on me when they came down for spring break to do a mission trip. And my grandmother gave them my personal cell number as well as address. So that they could have a trans* intervention on me and take the trans out of me kinda intervention. As well as get me back to Christ.  For my grandmother thinks that I have strayed the path due to being a pan-sexual trans* man as well as pagan. Which is just her own personal craziness. I had to tell the group of the missionaries that tried to take me back to my home state a week before my 21st birthday that I would not go with them and almost had to call the cops on them.

SO the month of March was crazy for me. But it looks like things might possibly be getting better for me. Even thought I still feel like the lone wolf just going threw the daily motions of life and not really knowing where the God and Goddess have planned for my life. In this hellish world that we all live in.

 

K. Anderson

Correctional Officer II

March  9th 2013

I wake up in the morning to the sound of a chirping bird that is the alarm clock on my phone at 03:50 am to get dressed in my gray monkey suit. I go to the restroom, shave, iron uniform, put it on with black socks with black shinny boots, of bureaucratic bull shit shinning threw. I get my ID, watch, gas holder, sweat rag, and hat off the kitchen table that I have left from the night before. I grab breakfast out of the fridge , give my dog some food and water. Lock her up in her cage for the day, while I am off at work and hope that she doesn’t break find a way to break free like the inmates in administrative segregation at the unit I work; high security, Estelle in Riverside, Texas,USA.

A little back story on me:

I am from Bozeman,MT. A little hick town in the middle of no where. I came from a Marine Corps family and am a head strong smart ass leader due to my family roots and will not stand for bull shit and drama in my life. So, me being that why has lead me into many problems working in high security for the Estelle unit.  I got out of high school tried college at Montana State University for a degree in music and theater and that fell threw the cracks. Then went to the Army recruiter and told him too much and red flagged myself. Thus went with the Navy and that didn’t pan out. Found a girl  in there though and got sent back to Montana. Joined Wally World aka Wal-mart and saved up some cash and came down to Texas to be with her. Was with her and her family for 8 months and that didn’t work out. Her father Sgt. Thompson at the Ellis unit and mom was in Human Resources for 18 years.

So, me being at work has not turned out that great.

For I am a transgender pansexual man.

I am open to every walk of life and am an open book. I have my own personal boundaries but they are far smaller and more flexible then the average person. But if you try to fuck with me, I will fuck you even harder.

So being out in the real world and trying to be me is hard. I understand everyone has their trails and tribulations, but for God’s sake why do mine have to be so God damned hard ?!?

My family that raised me doesn’t really give a fuck about me and just wants me to be the girly girl they envisioned me to be. My mom doesn’t like the way I am but still loves me for me. My dad is kinda happy that he has his SON and my step-mom excepts me for me and just wants me to be happy. Mr. Klovensky doesn’t give a fuck about me other then my money and Ms. Yount fells the same way. I get along with everyone fine in my unit but certain people plus supervisors I do not.

For the past three weeks I have been having it out with Lieutenant Demoss, Sergeant Jordan, and Sergeant Harrison. I don’t trust them with my family problems, personal girlfriend issues or work related issues. I go through my chain of command and try to get my issue across to them all about my issues with Lt. Demoss but it seems that my supervisors / elders don’t give a God damned fuck about the lonely lowly Correctional Officer trying to make it into rank. I understand I am new to the system of Texas. But fuck! All states have about the same regulations on prisoners plus mentally ill people and everyone wishes to be a damned Chief and not an Indian in this tribe of Stupidity. “Life is hard, but it is harder when you are stupid.” An old John Wayne saying my Grandfather John Thomas Cummins Jr. would tell me from his 25 year experience in the marine corps. Going in as a private and climbing up the ladder to Lieutenant colonel and getting kicked out for sticking up for his men before licking the boots of his superior, which I will not do either.

K. Anderson