To my wife Cynthia

From the moment I meet you I knew you where the one.

You saved me from myself at kareoke and got me to the hospital in time.

You where there when I had my mental break down and always took my calls or called me to give me strength to get treatment.

You came to my rehab both times and showered me with snacks and showed you cared no matter what, we could do this recovery together.

You pushed me to start my legal and medical transition and helped me become the man I am.

You pushed me to try my luck in security as my job and I’ve been a guard for 3 years now.

You are always there for me and I am forever greatful for your smile and laughs that bring joy to my life.

I love you and forever Panda boo.

11 years have gone by

I ran away from my family to follow my dreams to find unconditional love at the age of 18. I knew my grandparents cared for me but needed time to except my authentic self, my mom and dad and step mom plus aunt and uncle love me for me but I just couldn’t deal with my family toxicity when it came to certain subjects and always saying agree to disagree on it , instead of really taking about it then just shoving it under the rug which would build pressure on me for all the unsaid things I would want to say but just didn’t have the right words or definitions till I researched about my true self for 5 years and had my experiences trying to become a sailor in the U.S. Navy and then being called a disgrace on the family name due to tapping into my true emotions of home sickness and girls being catty to me when I was trying to be a leader and help everyone out but I would cry myself to sleep every night cause no comfort stuffed animal and all my safe space had been stripped from me and then I moved back in with my mom and tried my first job at Wal-mart in the garden center but I felt back slash from my family and my dreams where someone else then Montana and I no longer wanted to be sheltered and my religious views are so far different then my grandparents and my political views as well. So I flew the coop with the help of my best friend and she took me to the airport and I moved to Texas and was a Correctional Officer for 9 months and tons of crazy stuff happened with my coworkers and the warden of the jail just couldn’t stand I was transgender when I came out in my last 3 months and so I just quit instead of getting something bad on my record due to being me. Things fell out with my girlfriend I had in Texas so then I contacted an online friend I have been friends with since middle school and asked if she could help me if I moved to Kentucky and I ended up living in two different hotels for a month and then a women’s homeless shelter but my depression got the best of me and I got kicked out cause I didn’t understand how the program worked and was on the streets for a week with just a bottle of water and some books in the woods and then I walked over the boarder to the bus station in Ohio and called my dad and he got me a bus ticket to Bakersfield,CA and then my depression was so bad I isolated in my bedroom at his house and my step mom tried to get me therapy but I was just feeling like a lost cause and my dad kept giving me ultimatums so I took him up on them and contacted a transgender housing group on yahoo and found my God mom on there and moved in with her in Riverside,CA. I helped her start a nonprofit but was dealing with my depression and alcoholism cause I would go to the gay bars and do karaoke and only pay for one drink and get many more due to my singing. Then when my God mom had to move back to Ohio for her mom I moved to Lake Elsinore with a family from the PFLAG group I would go to and things started to look better for me but then the mom gave me an eviction notice and my boyfriend at the time asked his grandparents if I could move in with him and they allowed it. Then at work at Wal-mart in Murrieta I had my first major mental break down in the bathroom and took a week off from work and didn’t know that was the tip of my iceberg moment that sent me down my rabbit hole to learn I have bipolar like my mom and I went to a mental health hospital with my girlfriend and she stood by me through it all and became my wife.I was homeless with my girlfriend and then we reached out to my pastor and she had me checked out by a mental health worker and said to ask my other pastor if they knew of any resources in San Bernardino cause Riverside screwed me over the first time I got out of the mental hospital and went to rehab and then they couldn’t find me housing so I became homeless. I then went to a mental health group for teens and young adults called the Stay program and then went into rehab for the second time and got into a sober living and started my legal name change with the help of my wife and then found a transgender doctor and started my transition in 2017 and now its been over 4 years on T-gel , had my emergency hysterectomy in 2019 and Top surgery in 2020 and feel like a whole man now. Sure it’s still rough with my family but I have always stayed in contact with my mom be it phone calls or snail mail. I have a way better relationship with my dad and step mom then before. My grandparents still call me by my old name and old pronouns but I know they mean well and love me unconditionally. I’ve tried to get back in contact with my aunt and uncle but they have a farm they are running and its rough having to deal with my uncles family and my family at the same time. I just wish I could explain to my aunt why I used her as my scapegoat as a teen to get away from all my demons I didn’t understand that where bothering me till I went to therapy. So now I am going to college to be a veterinary technician and I have therapy every other week still working on me and how to be a better husband for my wife. I’ve come a long way from how I used to be as user and abuser to just try to get love the wrong way and with T-gel I now have every emotion known to man at my finger tips which can be very overwhelming because now I feel everything even more deeply and my wife wishes at times I could be the stereotypical man but that is not me, I’m Mr.Emotional. I’m the one still searching for unconditional love be it from a friend, partner or animal due to having a rough childhood that looks so pretty on the outside but inside I was struggling. I had to grow up faster then normal due to my mom’s mental illness and I rarely got to just be a kid and that was when I went to my aunt and uncles. Everyday is a struggle for me and I’m trying my best to make the most of my life out of all this craziness.

Tried trimming my beard some

Learning how to use my beard trimmer to be ready for labs next year with vet tech college.

Family

So if you’ve been following my blog for a while or are new to it. I have a rather rocky relationship with my family. I was born in Bakersfield, California and raised by mom and dad till my moms mental health turned for the worst when I was three and I took my first solo plane ride to Bozeman, Montana to stay the summer with my grandparents on my moms side Grandma Poppy and Granddaddy. The summer vacation turned into my grandparents getting legal guardianship of me when I was in 5th grade when my mom and dad got divorced. And every summer from then on in july or august I would see my dad and my mom was in and out of mental hospitals and she is in warmsprings mental hospital at the moment,pray for her. So with all of that I was raised by my Grandparents and in the past I made them look like the bad guys of my story till I went to theraphy for 4 years and learned the biggest lesson of my life- “You can’t change people, you can only change yourself.” I got from my therapist after months of internally battling with myself that I could change my grandparents 1950s sterotypes of a woman and a man and all the Marine Corp values they instilled in me. So my first 5 years of transitioning from female to male socially I blocked my family out everyone but my mom. Then I went through some major depression and an ex of mine reached out to my grandparents and they suprised visited me at work at walmart. Thankfully my boss was nice and said look like you are working and you can talk to them and I was rather harsh how I put them down with my wants not getting needed when I was younger and finally had words to explain why I felt like I always was a boy when I was younger but they where not listing to my gender transition fully becaIuse I was still pre everything and they wanted me to be 110% sure that if I medically transitioned its what I wanted for my body and mental health. So in November for 2017 I got my first dose of Tesosterone gel and started my medical transition. I decided to document my changes on youtube on a new channel under my new name Kaydian Anderson. With the push from my wife Cynthia, I legally changed my name to Kaydian Micheal Anderson. Then had an emergency hysterectomy in 2019 due to my depo shot aka progesterone ending and being on tesoterone gel wacked out my hormones thus needing to get a hysterectomy. I had larcospoic and still have my ovaries due to insurance issues. Then in October 2020 I had top surgery aka bilateral mysectomy with nipple graphs. That finished my medical transition fully for me. So I am on better talking terms with all my family now and send them photos of me and my wife for the holidays. 5 years later , now 10 years since I first came out to my grandparents as transgender,Im accepted as family again. Sure its still rough calling me my full name but they call me Kay for short and always working on pronouns. Im proud to have a loving family now that I never dreamed would come back. Plus my wifes family fully supports me as well. My wedding was lovely and my wifes best friend was our bestie for the bride and groom and we had christian and pagan roots added. I never dreamed in 2011 after I graduated highschool, bombed college and the Navy aka whole other story that with all my travels for 10 years I would find my aunthentic self and my family again and an extended one with my wife. So this year Im going back to college to become a dream job of mine when I was a kid to work with animals as a vet tech and have everyone behind me cheering me on for the best in my new adventures.

Tranistion

3 years and 4 months since I started my medical transition. It sure has been a roller coaster of emotions. I started T gel while on the last shot of depo aka progesteone. Depo made my periods erratic so I stopped it but then spotted for a year till my emergency hysterectomy. Still have my ovaries because insurance bs . Then I got top surgery free with my insurance just had to get a doctor’s and therapist’s letters. I’m still in awe of my changes. I rock a full beard, dyed my hair ginger, have fur all over me. Have a really good skin and scar treatment regiment that before I just let myself go. I’m finally happy in my skin. I don’t want bottom surgery, just scares the living daylights out of me how they do it. I will stick with the sex shops if I need anything. So I’m finally a self made man. Still a huge nerd and goofball but no longer panicking about dysphoria or how my shirt looks or how my voice sounds. Plus I’ve been retraining my tenor voice to sing phantom of the opera my favorite musical. I’m blessed to have my wife that pushed me for my name change and helped me become the authentic me. Only sad note is I haven’t seen my mom in 10 years because I decided to leave Montana to be free and be me. I’m thankful California has trans medical doctors that have been practicing transgeder medicine for 20 plus years as my doctors and surgeons. I’ve documented my changes on my youtube and still get amazed at the little changes of arm hair difference and how my veins look on my hands. So now I’m just on maintance dose of T gel for the rest of my life. Man it’s been one crazy ride. Hopefully I can be the best husband to my wife and hopefully a dad one day be it a kid or fur babies.

Top Surgery

Week 2, post op.

Man

So many thoughts going through my head. Will I ever be man enough , I keep poundering. But also the though of what makes a man a man. Is it toxic masculinity of white America or is it my father figures that can’t except me as my true self. Fuck this tog and pull of what makes a man. Can I embrace my feminity that I shunned till I turned 20?  Can I love floral print and clothes have no gender? Why must I fit a box for people to love me? Why can’t I just be the man I want to be. Why must I be in black and white stereotypes of female and male and not embrace the rainbow of gender freedom and be accepted as me. Why?

Wondering

I still here wondering about the world.

How America has turned into a huge dumpster fire because of the President and greed in this world.

Where I barley make more then federal minimum wage and I’m classified as an essential worker in these trying times.

People have gone bat shit crazy over soap, toliet paper, hand sanitizer and masks but won’t comply with the stay at home order and our curfew 5am to 10pm here in California is barely getting reinforced after the first day it was put out.

Americans listen to Trump say it’s a Chinese disease and that turns people racist and savage against Asian Americans like when we had the Japanese all jam backed together like the deporties just because of there color of skin and history back in World war 2 after the attack on pearl harbor and now history is just repeating its self with Hispanics. It just sickends me.

What has this great nation of freedom done to society. It’s always the strong European white men that get what they want and end up fucking everything up in the end.

Six years

Six years ago I left home

I left you Mom

I learned I am just as crazy as you Mom

Battling the demons and angels

Seeing and living out dreams I never imaged would come true

Yearning for home

Learning lessions that only pain can teach you

Trust issues

Self abuse

Learning that I am the only one in control of my destiny

Copping skills and routines to get back on track

Meds to become the stable authentic me

2 years on T

2 years on T – my youtube channel

This month is my two years on testosterone.  I started this journey seven years ago when I started my transition socially. By getting a short haircut, masculine glasses , wearing mens clothing and wearing a sports bra and then saying fuck it to the bra and freeing myself in the gender I have felt since the age of 7 and had to hide on the back burner of my mind until I was 19. At 20 I came out as a trans man and it has made me feel so much more comfortable with myself. For five years I researched everything I could find online about being a trans man and how to be a man . In November 2017 I found  a local clinic that is LGBT friendly and amazingly got the transgender specialist as my doctor. With a quick paperwork about the pros and cons about going on T and what it could do to me that is irreversible I checked the boxes and had my labs drawn then was told to come back in two weeks and that I would receive Androgel aka T gel at my next visit on the 20th and start my medical transition. Then in July of 2018 I had an emergency hysterectomy because somehow my hormones where all screwed up from the birth control shot aka depo and I had been spotting for a year straight with the occasional one or two days where it would stop but then come back. It took 6 months to get a ultra sound and then another six to get the hysterectomy approved. Thankfully my insurance covered it even with all the blood work and ultra sounds saying I was fine. I was not. So in July I had my surgery. I was told all the pros and cons before and I never wanted to bare a child in my lifetime in this body. Just be a dad. So my first big surgery of transition happened. With the help of my wife and best friend Ben, I recovered at my wife’s cousins house and she was nice enough to let my best friend Ben help take care of me when I was recovering. Now I am going to therapy to get my second letter for top surgery because my insurance requires two. I had educated my  psychiatrist about what a trans man is and how the hormones can and do effect me and for her to help me stay stable with medication. She was reluctant at first to write me a letter but with a little persuasion and explaining the type of surgery I want and why  she wrote me the first letter. Now I am telling my story again for it seems the millionth time. Thanking my lucky stars that California in the Inland Empire has IEHP as the insurance to cover my transition and get me all the help I need for my transition and to stay stable. So hopefully in the next year I will get top surgery and have the help of my wife and best friend Ben for recovery.  I was so scared to medically transition. I read both sides of those that where grateful for it and those that regretted it. I found that the pros out way the cons and I am for much more at peace in my life with medically transitioning after five years of testing the water of what a man should be and becoming the feminine man that I now embrace instead of being stuck in toxic masculinity.